Dear God, Please Let Me Be A Bird
by Neversober7
Summary: A powerful and breathtaking event between Dirk and Jake. Not a oneshot, non-con rape, m/m, a bit sick and twisted, rather personal. I do not know how to summerise this story, just read it at your own cost of tears. *Nobody dies.*
1. Be Jake

**SADSTUCK, DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE RAPE. (does contain DirkxJake, but not sex between them.)  
**

**I tend to pour my heart and soul and thoughts into fanfictions and post them here. **

**I'm sorry guys, I can't keep this in my head any longer; it's killing me. **

**/iaintevenmad. I'm just a little sick.**

* * *

Two years you and Dirk had been together now, and it was probably the best two years of your life so far.

At first, you'd never even think about being attracted to boys, let alone in a relationship with one; _your best bro! _But something snapped in you. You had both met eachother online, it being a random friend request over an online game, and began talking. He lived in Texas but lacked the common accent, actually, he lacked _any _common accent other than that monotone sounding-bored-out-of-my-skin voice when you first met him, well, his voice. A few weeks after battling with him over the internet, he said he was moving house and wouldn't be online for a few days.

You remember being sad about that, but you never figured out why at the time. Instead of complaining, you simply smiled to yourself rather than to him and joked around, saying you couldn't imagine your life without him. Your heart stopped when you heard him laugh over the mic and return the kind words of sarcasm, although his words had more _emotion_ to them. During those days when he wasn't online, you didn't feel like playing on the computer, actually, you felt like you'd rather wrap yourself up into your bedsheets and never leave until you could hear his voice again. _God you missed it. _

Your mother would try to get you out of your room, to play with your _real _friends. "Well sorry mother, my 'real' friends probably don't want to hang out with a ladie's charmer like me." You'd always say. She was always trying to get into your life and change it, make you feel pathetic and silly just so she can see your online games and be introduced to your internet buddies. Jane and Roxy were simple to introduce; a drunk and an angel slice. Your mother was extremely surprised to find out that you were friends with _girls_, and when she almost backflipped when finding out that they lived about twenty minutes away in a shared apartment, because they were 'BESTIES FOR LYFFIES'.

You disctinctly remember it was Roxy who had known Dirk before you, they were childhood friends before he moved away with his dad and older brother for business purposes, it broke your heart a little when Roxy explained how much she cried and how sad she felt that her best friend moved away to another state. After a few conversations between all four of you, you all became best of friends. Of course, you took more interest in Dirk, him being your 'bro' and all.

After a few more days of your mother's nagging, a familiar name popped up on your screen, along with a message. Dirk had moved to Washington. Your eyes read over the words that he'd written, scanning them for any hint of a joke or sarcasm, there were none. He said that his dad needed to invest more so he'd moved to a busy state that was friendly and easy to invest. You then asked him where abouts in Washington he lived and you swore it was fate when he lived literally five or six minutes from your neighbourhood.

The first time you met him, you never guessed he would look so...casual. By the way he spoke and the things he said, you'd imagined him to be some sort of punk rebel, if anything, a mohawk and 'My Little Pony' shirt wouldn't have surprised you. He looked too casual to be the Dirk you had as a friend, but you pushed all those thoughts aside as you began to get to know him a little more; introducing him to your mother, having him over nearly every day after school: the place where the ground he walked on was kissed and you had become one of the most popular kids for even _knowing _the guy. Life was at it easiest.

But there was that one day that changed everything between you two; there's always one day that changes things. Dirk had been over, being a second player to your newest game, Marvel VS Capcom. You remember you had been acting strange, not on purpose, but you just had so many _feelings_ about this boy that you were confused on what to do. It was official, you had a crush on your best bro, Dirk Strider.

You were both in your room, the door was closed and your television was on the highest volume, the only thing that was heard from outside your door was the sound of men grunting and computer animated fists being thrown around. Dirk had beaten you four times now, you had beaten him zero. He kept rubbing it in your face that it was your game and he was kicking your ass at it; this had led to a wrestling match. Of course, you won by pinning the other to the wall by his forearms, he was always defenseless without the use of his hands. From that moment, you had looked into his sunglasses and tried so hard to see through the black glass-lenses of them, searching for some sort of buzz. It was quiet other than the battle music from your game in the background and you remember letting go of his arms, but you didn't step back and he didn't try to move you. You were so close when your hands gently removed his sunglasses and you can remember how you silently gasped at his fire-orange eyes staring into your own.

How great you felt when you leaned in, testing his lips with your own and feeling him push back gently. You had kissed for what felt like eternity, it hadn't been anything spectacular or sexual but you got one hell of a thrill from it. That kiss had left a warm sensation on your lips for hours after he left, it conbonkled your mind in various ways, you began wondering what this meant. You remember the conversation with him that night where you asked him about the event, the conversation had been a permenant image settled in your head for quite some time.

**golgothasTerror [GT] to timaeusTestified [TT] at 22:31:**

**GT: Evening bro.**

**GT: Youre probably busy so ill make this quick.**

**TT: I'm not busy, in fact, I was waiting for you to talk to me. **

**GT: Really? **

**TT: Yeah. Anyway, continue. **

**GT: Oh yeah...well, i was wondering what we were.**

**TT: ? **

**GT: You know...after *that thing* that happened. are we a *thing* ? **

**TT: It depends, do you want us to be a thing? **

**GT: Well...yes...i do. **

**TT: Then we're a thing. **

**GT: Youre not kidding around with me, are you? **

**TT: Jake. **

You remember your heart beating in your chest by the way he used your first name instead of using 'English' or 'Adventure boy'.

**TT: For a long time, I have been waiting for this to happen. I didn't say anything about how I felt to you because I didn't want to scare you away in case you didn't swing that way, but then you kissed me and...**

**GT: And...?**

**TT: There's nothing else for me to say. **

**GT: Well im completely mindboggled**

**GT: But not in a bad way!**

**GT: I have also been battling with my own feelings about you for a while and only yesterday did i come to a conclusion.**

**GT: I think i love you dirk strider.**

**TT: I think I love you too, Jake English. **

You also remember the way you smiled at that, how your heart just wouldn't stop thumping against your chest and how those butterflies wouldn't leave your stomach.

From then on, you'd began spending time with him more often than before, taking it one step at a time. It wasn't long before you were both holding hands in public, not taking a glance or care about people staring or muttering things under their breath. You didn't think Dirk cared either, the way his hand would just automatically find yours and link fingers.

Roxy and Jane were happy to find out, they started a group hug when you'd told them and had never seemed happier. After a few gay jokes from Roxy, everything settled normally. Your mother and Dirk's brother and dad never found out, he'd mentioned that he didn't want his sibling or parent knowing, when you'd asked why, he ignored the question and changed the subject completely. You had decided not to pry. Even though you knew Dirk, there were still things you wanted to ask him, things you didn't know about him. Sure, he would ask you many questions about your past and your mother, even your father who you didn't really know that well, but when you would ask him the same thing, he'd either ignore you and change the subject or answer with a quiet shrug.

May 23rd, 2014 was your two year anniversary, three days before you graduate and nine days after your mother's birthday; that's how you remember it, not that you would ever forget it. On the first year anniversary, you and Dirk had had a make out session in your bedroom, followed by an interruption from your mother. You then realised you really had to move out if you were going to get serious with Dirk.

You didn't know whether he minded not going any further, you had never wanted to ask, instead you made sure you gave him enough breathtaking kisses and touches that he would never think you don't love him anymore, because you love him too much for that.

Your two year anniversary was the best so far; Jane had baked a giant cake and planned a party at their apartment, followed by a romantic dinner with just you and Dirk, you could not have asked for a better anniversary.

* * *

Dirk had been nudging you for what seemed like forever while you relived your past with him, savouring every moment with him was like holding a precious gem stone.

"Jake, you're freaking me out." Dirk said, facing you on your bed. You shake your head and blink a few times, smiling at him gently afterwards,

"Terribly sorry, I was thinking."

"Must've been pretty intense, you've been staring at the wall for half an hour with a goofy grin on your face." He chuckled, linking his fingers in with yours.

"Yes, but also quite relaxing too. I was thinking about us, our two years together." You say freely, feeling happy that you can share your feelings with him so casually and not have to care. He smiles slightly and gently squeezes your hand, but before he can say anything, your mother knocks at your door, "Jakey, your friend needs to go home now, it's getting late." She says firmly.

You grimace at the thought of Dirk leaving, you never want him to leave. Sighing, you reply with an 'okay' and Dirk stands from the bed, stretching and looks around for his phone while you grab your shoes from beside the bed. You never realised just how firm Dirk's muscles looked when he was wearing clothes, come to think of it, you have never seen with shirtless, same as he has never seen you shirtless. Being the adventurous person you are, you reach out and loop your fingers into Dirk's back pockets of his skinny jeans and pull him back, he falls into your lap and immediately you laugh. He chuckles and turns himself around and kisses you, you kiss back.

Your tongue finds his and the kiss depends, you hear him moan quietly and your senses go wild, quickly as you can, you stand up and flip him over on to the bed, climbing on top and catching his lips again. By now, both of you are breathless and full of adrenaline. Suddenly, you hear you mother's voice from the bottom of the stairs, she's shouting now, "Jake, I will not tell you again!"

You sigh heavily and roll your eyes, sitting up and letting Dirk catch his breath. You can't wait until you move out. You look down at Dirk and suddenly, he's sitting up, catching your lips gently with his own, his hand on your chin and your heart flutters pathetically. When you open your eyes, he's smiling at you and you smile back, wishing you could just hold him forever.

You lift yourself from the bed and help Dirk up, "I'll walk you home." You offer, although to you it was more like a demand because you were not going to take no for an answer.

He shrugged and walked to the bedroom door, "cool." Sometimes, it's like he forgets the make out sessions you both have. You think that he just treats you so casually sometimes, like a friend rather than a boyfriend, but when he's a soppy git, he's a major soppy git.

Upon leaving the house with a quick goodbye and explanation to your mother, you walk through the neighbourhood under the dim setting sun-spread sky, holding hands with the one you love. Even though Dirk never lets you walk him to his actual house, being at the end of the road is enough to set your trust with him, you've never asked _why _he doesn't let you near, let alone in his house, but you don't like to question him on it.

When you finally reach his road, he turns to you and wraps his arms tightly around you. This is a strange gesture from him, but you don't ask, you just return it, nuzzling your nose into his neck and breathing in his scent. When he pulls away, you do the same, and when he kisses you so differently on the lips, you do the same. But it just doesn't feel the same. Something's off.

Just as you were about to question him, he walks off. You feel a little heartracked, thinking you've done something to him or said something you shouldn't have, Dirk's never the one to get upset over...well, anything! Instead of chasing after him, you watch him walk away. Sighing to yourself, you turn around and head home, it's getting quite dark so suddenly so you suggest to yourself that you should hurry home, before your mother starts to worry.

Not thinking like a genius at all, you take a shortcut down an alley, it's rather big and secluded, but you don't trouble yourself with silly thoughts at all. Suddenly you hear a footstep behind you and you whip your head around to see a very tall, very intimidating bloke smoking a cigarette. "What's a little man like you doing around here?" He asks. This was all very cliché for your liking.

"I-I'm heading-I'm heading home." You stutter, mentally kicking yourself for showing weakness in front of this guy. He wasn't _that _intimidating when you blink, because then you can't see him at all.

By now, it was dark and all that was seen in the alley was dim, apart from the lightened end of the cigarette. You see him grin, and it's not friendly either. You hear other voices and laughs surround you, accompanied by bodies, either really broad or really tall, some of them both. A pit of fire and worry is becoming unsettled in your stomach, you want to run. "Little boys shouldn't be out at this time of the evening. Especially not in places like this; anything could happen." You hear a voice behind you.

"I haven't got anything on me worth taking." You blurt out, in all honesty, you haven't; your pockets are empty. All of the bodies laugh and it surrounds your head like cotton, almost suffocating you.

Without going over any sort of plan in yor head, you move as fast as you can, your legs taking you in the opposite direction of the tall bloke and your body collides with another, you didn't know they were _that _close. "Tryin'a run away?" He chuckles and grabs your shoulders, slamming you into the wall in the alley.

The tall one steps forward again, cigarette in his mouth as he speaks. "I think you have something worth taking."

You think over what he just said, wondering what he meant. You gasp suddenly when you realise what he's talking about. How did he know something that personal? "Wh-what are you-" He cuts you off.

"Shut the fuck up, fag." One broad man shouts, an evil series of chuckles following after. Feeling slightly offended and overall scared shitless, you say nothing. You can't say anything, because in an instant, you're thrown on to the ground and your mouth is covered by a cloth that's soon wrapped around your head. You muffle pleas and struggle under the death grip of the heavier man on top of you, his stubble was sickening and dirty. You couldn't stop them when they ripped your trousers and boxers from your body, the first man to mount you slammed your head onto the ground and lifted your legs.

"Pass me the lube." He says with his raspy voice, you quiver. You hate this, you know what's going to happen to you and you hate it. You think of Dirk, you remember his smile and his laugh, you just want to hold him right now.

The lubricant is cold and when it's rubbed all over your entrance, you brace yourself when another man pins your arms down above your head and wraps thick rope around them. You can feel the tears in the corners of your eyes, why are you letting them do this?

A fierce and agonizing pain makes you cry out, it's more of a scream and it's so loud; your throat hurts. It's uncomfortable and painful, you feel violated and helpless. Warm liquid runs down from your entrance and it feels like blood. It's blood. The man is sweating and his hands keep slipping on your thighs from being so wet, it's disgusting; you're disgusting. He thrusts again and you scream but it's muffled by the cloth, you bite down on the material during the other thrusts, if you're not biting, your crying and scraming. You just want to turn into a bird so you can fly away from this, you want to fly to Dirk; you want Dirk.

You feel him dig his nails into your thighs and you almost black out, your vision is blurred by tears now and you feel numb. You wonder why you're still feeling pain. He grunts loudly and you feel something warm spill inside of you. You feel sick.

Just when you think it's all over, another man comes into view and thrusts in to you, it still hurts and you're still crying and screaming. Under the cloth you're telling them to stop, pleading them to just stop and let you go; you can't do this, you can't feel like this anymore. You feel pathetic and stupid and sick, this is your fault.

A series of men do the same thing to do and you can't help but cry outloud. You thank everything that's alive and moving when they're done, when they finally stop. Every man in the circle around you is grinning like the dirty old men they are, they mock you and one loops his fingers into your hair, ripping your head up from the cold ground and whispers in your ear. You don't quite hear what he says, but you get a hint even through your collided mind. Your vision is blurry again, and dark. You begin to slip into a numb state; you are numb. You're angry and numb, you're pathetic and stupid. You're disgusting.

You slip into darkness as you hear voices disperse. You just hope you're dead.

* * *

**NEXT CHAPTER COMING SOON. **

**Based on something I heard a few weeks ago, happened to one of my cousins who lives in South Africa now, ****he****, yes, HE moved there with my aunt ten years ago, when he was only twelve. He's now twenty two and scared to even leave his own home. He hasn't seen his 'boyfriend' in just over three years, not the boyfriend's fault obviously. **

**I guess what I'm trying to get at is that rape happens to any body, male or female, old or young, people are sick and twisted and don't know what 'NO' means, they never hear the 'STOP' and 'DON'T's, and 'PLEASE's. If you're raped, it's not your fault. ****It's never the victim's fault. **

**WHY DO I DO THIS? D': -cries forever- it's okay jakey, i'll give you a hug! 3: i'll just hold you forever and never let you go! **


	2. Be Dirk

**Whyyyyyyy? WHYYYYY?**

* * *

You walk into your fairly large home and hear the television, you know to go straight to your room to avoid conflict with your brother, because he's on that couch, waiting for you. Your dad isn't usually around so you have no limitations unless he is around. As you step into your room and lock your door, because you _know_ what your brother is like, your mind rushes to Jake.

You shouldn't have let him walk you home, your dad could have been anywhere at that time, your brother could have even been looking out the window. You hate how paranoid your 'family' has made you, hell, you can't even have your own boyfriend in your house.

Fifteen minutes had gone by with you standing at your door, your hand on it's secure lock. You remember Jake and rush over to your computer, booting it up and hoping the internet bill's been paid. Gladly, it has, so you log on to pesterchum and-

He's not online. Why isn't he online? He's usually right there, online, waiting for you. _Maybe he's just got distracted by a comic..._you wish you could think that he's done that 'again', but he has never put anything before you. You're proud to admit that you're slightly possessive over him, if not, crazy in love. Although, you don't want to give him that impression in case it's a little too much for him to handle in one go, so you keep it simple and secure. But then again, you hope you don't push him away from being too cold?

This is getting ridiculous, why isn't he online _still_? You start to panic, maybe something's happened to him. '_Don't be too drastic about this, Dirk, I'm sure he's fine._' The red letters appear on your screen, it seems auto-responder is catching on to your thoughts already. Of course he would, he's you. _It's _you. Deciding to ignore his message, you dig in your pocket for your phone, then you remember that you never got the chance to pick it up from Jake's.

Shit.

There's a knocking at your door and you know who it is. You don't bother answering it, instead you just sit in your computer chair, staring at the floor and mentally panicking. The knocking gets heavier and more frequent.

"_Yo, I know you're in there, fucking open the damn door._" Your older brother yells from the other side. In defeat, you do as he says and you open the 'damn door'. He gives you a questioning look when you shift the door open enough to see him, but says nothing.

"What?" You ask.

Instantly, your door is thrown open and out of your reach as it slams against the wall. You can tell it left a mark from the crunch that was heard; no doubt your dad will blame you. Confusion isn't the only thing clear in your mind, but then you have a hint of what your brother is angry about and you panic some more. God you don't want to be here if he knows, if he knows you're gay and dating Jake, if a _Strider _like you was _gay_, there would be shame.

Instead of moving, you stand there, not obviously baffled by your brother's sudden actions towards your innocent door, wall and privacy. He stands in your doorway, purposely trying to intimidate, obviously trying to make you break. But you don't. Instead, you look directly at him and accept the silence heading your way, because like in hell are you going to speak first.

The silence does come and it does drag on for some time before your brother enters your room, passes your stiffened body and sits down in your computer chair, spinning himself around to face you. You watch him, of course, like a hawk. You can't trust him. He smiles at you in a sarcastic and stupid way before speaking, "got any friends?" He asks. You're confused by the question, but answer honestly. You can't lie to him.

"Yeah. A few." You say.

"A few? Like...?" He asks again, this time slouching in the chair and swinging from side to side slowly.

"None of your business." You reply strongly, because it wasn't any of _his _business who you were friends with and who you weren't. But you regret being mouthy, because the next thing that's happened is his foot is on your back and you're on the floor, face first, an aching pain in your side and face.

"It is my business, you can't have friends, you're a Strider, Strider's do not have friends. We are lone wolves, Dirk, we are so fucking lonely and we love it, because we're Striders. Got it?" He grits his teeth at your cockiness and digs his heels into your back. You wince but don't make a sound until he's finished off with his question.

"Yeah." You automatically reply. You can't beat him.

"So, you gonna tell me about these _friends _or not? Or do I have to get dad?" He takes his foot off your back, allowing you to get to your knees before you feel a pit of worry settle in your stomach; the last thing you want is dad here. You can't have friends, you know you can't, but you can't be alone, not anymore.

"Two girls, one boy." You blurt out, feeling pathetic in every way. He seems to take interest as he makes an approved sound in his throat, "You're dating one of them, aren't you?"

Your blood goes cold. He knows, you know he knows and there is nothing you can do to make him un-know. You nod your head in complete shame, you can't believe this. "Which one?" He asks, leaning forward with a hand available to help you up. You take it and get up from your knees but look anywhere that isn't your brother.

You don't answer, you just can't. He looks at you expectantly, then nods his head once, "alright, not saying. I get it."

As quickly as you can, you run out of the room. You just did something that you never even thought about doing, _ever_. Striders don't run from fights. He's not coming after you, not that you know of anyway, so you run down the stairs and-

Dad's right there.

You halt, you can't breath, you want to be sick; he's standing right there, looking at you. He's not in the way of the front door, but he's at the bottom of the stairs so you would have to pass him to get to the door. That would require you answering some questions, and your brother is here to interrupt because he's now at the top of the stairs-you're trapped.

Shit.

"Dad!" Your brother's voice echoes in your mind, his snarky tone blatant, "got some news for ya." He says casually. Your dad looks away from you and up the stairs at your brother, raising an eyebrow expectantly. He doesn't say anything before your brother speaks again. "Dirk has friends, apparently."

To this, your dad looks stunned. He looks back at you and catches you dead in the eye. Claustraphobia is gaining on you as he leans against the wall, "friends? Why do you have friends, boy?" He asks, his Texan accent seeping through every word. It doesn't help with your stomach knots. Before you can even answer, he's grabbing your shoulders and forcing you to look at him. "You know you can't talk to nobody, okay? You know that you can't trust nobody-are you even listenin' to me?" He sounds how you feel; panicked.

You never even get to speak before he's talking again, the words leaving his mouth far too fast for you to care about any of them. "They could be any where, boy, they could be related to these _friends _of yours! They only want you because of me, why can't you see that? Why do you have to always do this, this is why we move, Dirk-Dirk, fuckin' look at me!" He's now yelling at you, you're looking everywhere but his face, you can't.

You can't.

You don't even know how you managed to push him away and run to the door, slamming it behind you and running down the road. You can hear him calling your name throughout the darkened street but you don't turn back, you keep running. You know where you're running. It doesn't take long before you turn up at your safehouse; Jake's house. It's not too late so his mother should still be awake, you hope.

Knocking gently on the door, you wait until you hear her delicate voice through the hallway. "Jake? Is that you?" She asks, then opens the door to you. Her face turns from hope to worry. "Dirk? Where's Jake? He walked you home, right?"

You stare at her from under your shades. What? Jake _isn't _home? You panic even more, you dash past her and run up the stairs; she's calling after you but you don't listen. Opening the door to your boyfriend's room, you see that he isn't in there. But your phone is.

Snatching it from the desk, you quickly find Jake's number in your contacts and dial. It rings, and rings, and rings and rings. You try it again and the same result again. You listen carefully when you hear something else in the room. Dialling again, you follow the sound to discover that Jake had also left his phone in his other pants. His mother's now in the doorway, asking all sorts of questions which you can't answer. "Why are you here? What's happened to Jake?" She's drastically asking you now, almost yelling from your lack of attention.

You gult before speaking, "I-he walked me home and then-then that's it, I didn't-I don't..." You're at loss of words, you can't think straight. All this shit is turning you insane, it's just dropped on you at a random bad point and you can't handle this. Jake's mother obviously sees your distress as her hand reaches out and touches your arm gently; it doesn't make you feel any better.

She says something to you but you don't hear her, you can't, your thoughts are too busy. Gently and slowly, she takes your arm and sits you down on Jake's bed. The bed you two spent time on. She then disappears from the room and suddenly you have a familiar feeling; _lonliness_. Your head rests in your hands, your lungs are too tight for all the air you need to take in to survive right now; you blame the deep, dark, sinister thoughts cursing your mind. You hate imagining Jake in pain, you _hate_ anyone who would cause him pain. _You would kill them._

__Among all the other things that are pushing you deeper into your depressive state, you think about your home, how you were going to go back and explain to your dad that you're gay, because surely your brother's told him to spite you. Typical. You know your dad would be angry; no, that's an understatement. He would be utterly furious, he would probably kick you out and never speak to you again for as long as he lives.

You wouldn't say your life had been unfortunate, hell, you'd met Jake, that's enough to cover all the bad past. Your life was average, your mum tried selling you to her shrink but was soon assigned as a patient in Mordan House for the Mentally Corrupted and Insane (she was never a brilliant woman, or so you've heard.), your dad's an asshole and so is your brother. Everything ends up evening out in the end, especially when your brother _and_ dad go out for a 'gambling' night out. You're too young and they think that effects you; it doesn't as much as you make it out to.

Jake's mother seems to have re-entered the room while you were busy in your own thoughts, feeling sick, you look up from your hands at her and her face is shallow. She shakes her head and her lips move, "Jake's in the hospital." She says, "he's been...he's been raped." Her tears are obvious now but you don't hear her cries. There's harsh venom in your blood, it's stinging your skin and prickling the back of your neck. Those nasty thoughts of Jake being assaulted like...like _that _are sprinting into your mind, forcing you to see them because you deserve it, because you wasn't there to protect him. You can't help but feel like this is your fault. The heat in your stomach rises and you swallow the foul words that would have left your mouth, you can only hear the word '_rape_' in your head; over and over again.

It's disgusting.

Your head is spinning, your tongue hurts because you're biting on it, you can't believe this.

* * *

**Hopy shit this is getting emotionally intense. Things will start making sense, I swear; it all adds up. I just shat this out, sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes. MCM Expo just tired me out completely today, I cosplayed Lil Cal .w. woot! Anyway, I appreciate aaaall the reviews and favourites/story alerts, even the few author alerts! .3. Thank you all, let me love you! **

**Let's Ruin This is honestly on its way, i swear to god if i do not kill myself within the weeks to come, it will be updated, considering i left school yesterday (friday 25th) and only have exams to do, i have shit loads of free time. **

**p.s. if anything effected you in the story, whether it be emotionally unweilded or offensive, don't hold back on reviewing/pming me. Although, I will not remove the story, I will give firmer warnings and...uhm..well whatever you suggest. Advice is also given if needed .3. **


	3. Watercolour

**I'M BACK BBZ! :3**

* * *

_**'When I'm falling down**_

_**will you pick me up again?**_

_**When I'm too far gone,**_

_**dead in the eyes of my friends. **_

_**Will you take me out of here?' Watercolour by Pendulum.**_

* * *

_You're running through the forest near your old home in the countryside, feeling happy and free as the dusty road kicks out behind you. You get further and further from your house and it's getting darker and darker, but you're not scared, you're adventurous. You don't care when the bushes are rustling violently and the branches on the trees, that look like long and boney arms, try to snatch you away. You welcome the dark cave ahead, exploring is what you love to do. _

_Entering the abandoned cave, you're disappointed to discover that there's nothing inside for you to see or take, so you turn to head out when- the enterance is suddenly blocked by tumbling boulders, it's dark and you're not scared, but you start to panic because you can't see anything. You hear your mother crying out for you, her voice manically saddening as she calls your name, searching for you. You try to reply but you can't speak. Your voice isn't there, you can't see and you can't speak, you can't say anything. _

_There's laughter and voices and you're not sure if they're in the back of your head or behind you, if they're real or just your imagination playing tricks on you. Suddenly, you're in an alley, a man on top of you, you can't feel any pain but you're crying anyway. _

_Then it's dark. _

You awake with a jolt of shock, your vision is blurry and you then realise your glasses aren't on your face. The place you're in is so very bright it hurts your eyes, so you blink a few times before staring up at the ceiling. That dream hurts you, but you can't feel any pain. You can't feel anything, perhaps you're drugged. A familiar voice is heard and you turn your head so slighty to the side, then the whole way when you see your mother in a chair beside your bed, talking to a woman in uniform; she's a nurse.

Mother catches your action and turns her head to you, her eyes are red and look swollen from crying. A small, but sad smile spreads along her face and she takes your hand which is laying at your side, "morning sweety." She says, her eyes are so sad that you just don't want to look at her anymore, but you have to. You can't smile back, you can't speak or do anything; you don't _feel_ like smiling.

Her smile fades back to the sad face she held before when you don't do anything in response, she looks at the nurse and you turn your head back towards the ceiling. You remember everything from last night. _Everything._ A sudden sickness overcomes you and you don't want to be alive to feel it, to feel anything. Everything suddenly hurts and you're immediately crying in pain, throwing your body at something else's command; you see blood. All you can see is blood, everything's red and running down the walls, smearing on to the floor where tall and broad men step. Their footsteps are heard all around you and you scream even more, telling them to 'fuck off' and leave you alone, to not ever touch you again.

There's a prick in your arm and you feel yourself relax slowly, your nerves become unusable and your mind unstable. You slip back into darkness, it grabs you and rips your vocal cords from your mouth, it tears your nerves away so you can't move. You fall limp on to the hospital bed and quietly mumble Dirk's name; _you need him. _

0x0x0x0x0x0

Sitting in Jake's mom's car in the parking lot, you try to come to terms with everything. Jake's mom had asked you if you wanted to come in, she _insisted _you did, but you couldn't. You said you would wait until you feel 'right'; you know you will never feel 'right' enough to visit your boyfriend in his hospital bed. Even though you feel utterly selfish and sick to the bone, you step out of the car and walk in the opposite direction of the hospital. Realising you just can't do it, you start your journey home from the parking lot. Along the dark roads, you're constantly thinking of all these different thoughts flying through your mind, although, when your consiousness comes around, you can't remember anything you've been thinking of.

You walk the long way home, you have no hurry to return to the darkened palace of fate; your room. The few cars that pass you don't pay attention to your hollow figure walking along the streets at 3am in the morning. One car stopped beside you and asked you what you were doing out at this time and if you wanted a ride home; it was a woman but you didn't trust her, so you ignored her completely and kept walking.

Along the way, suddenly you realise where you are. You turn your head to your left and look down a dark alley, it's quite large but secluded. You feel uneasy and sick looking down it, you don't want to go down it to get home; you'd rather go around.

Finally, you return to your front door. All the lights are off in the house but the door is unlocked so you walk in regardless. Nobody is downstairs when you close the door, but you hear footsteps in the hallway upstairs when the the door clicks loudly shut. Your father stands at the top of the stairs, glaring down at you. He's still in his suit, but his sleeves are messily rolled up and half tucked in, he looks stressed. You're still in front of the door so he doesn't approach you, knowing he wouldn't be able to catch you if you legged it again. "Where the fuck have you been?" He yells. You are tired and you feel sick, not feeling to argue, you just approach the stairs and start walking up towards him.

Your dad looks down at you when you are standing in front of him, you can tell he's looking down at you because his breath is heavy and your head is hot from his glare binding into it. "Well?" He asks again. You don't answer, you don't move at all, you don't even breathe.

He moves out of your way when you wait long enough, sighing heavilly. Suddenly, he grabs your wrist and your head is thrown to the right as his fist connects with your jaw. You don't cry out in pain, like usual, so you just take the abuse he gives you, like usual. This time, though, he lets go of your wrist as your body falls to the right from the impact, you hear him gasp loudly as you fall and crash down the stairs, smacking your head enough times to make you feel slightly dizzy.

You lift your body up slightly, enough to cough out the violent bolts of air being given to your lungs. Your shades aren't on your face but something else is; it's wet and running down your face. Something is making your vision go blurry and dizzy, your mind just snaps.

You're sick of this shit. You're fucking sick of every little thing that goes wrong for you and you feel like getting back up and throwing your dad down the stairs you just got pushed down, because it hurt, hurt just a little less than hearing that your boyfriend just got raped and that you're just too much of a pussy to see him. Your fists clentch on the ground as you hear your brother and dad running down the stairs to your body, by now, you had gone quiet from the anger building up.

Two hands grab your arm and you lash out, you scream angrilly at your brother who was trying to help you up, instead of accepting his help, you get up by yourself and look him dead in the eye. He looks stunned at your outburst; you're almost crying and screaming at him like a ten year old. You don't care, you scream some more, you push him away and tell him everything you've thought of him. You keep pushing him away and your dad grabs your arms to hold you back from doing serious damage which you're not sure you're capable of, but he doesn't know that. Your dad's yelling back you to calm down, he's restraining your wrists you can't push your brother anymore.

You hate them both.

Finally, you stop your screaming and fighting, pathetically falling to your knees and crying like a little bitch. You hate this, right now, you just want to fly the hell away from this all. You want to just curl up into a ball and never leave your home. You're selfish, pathetic, stupid and shameful, why did you even let Jake kiss you that day? Why didn't you stop any of this from happening?

You feel your dad let go of your wrists, and he says something to your brother, but you're not sure what, you're too busy sobbing pathetically, you've just reached the end of everything. You don't register yourself getting up, but you can hear your dad telling you to sit down. You ignore him and climb the stairs again, heading to your room at a slow and unbalanced pace, finally reaching your destination and falling on to your bed.

Then there's darkness.

* * *

**Calm the fuck down guys, i got this. **

**shooosh pap pap shooosh dirky, go to sleep, i promise things will be better in the morning ;A;**


	4. Nameless

_**Can I trust you when the sun is down?**_

_**Can I trust you when the light is out? **_

_**Will you be here when I awake?**_

_**Or will it be my heart to break.**_

* * *

Someone grabs your hand and your eyes open immediately; finally you have feeling in your limbs. Your hope is destroyed when you don't see the one you really want sitting next to you, but you don't mind your mother being there, you just wish she'd stop crying and stop staring at you while doing so because you don't _want _to feel anything.

You wonder where Dirk is, you ask yourself why he isn't here. Perhaps he wasn't informed about the...

the...

Alright, you make it clear to yourself that you don't want to remember anything so you give up thinking and try to speak instead, opening your mouth to hear nothing come out. You try again and hear a very un-Jake like rasp escape your mouth,

"Mot-" You cough and the woman you were calling out to springs into action, grabbing a cool cup of water placed on the desk next to you. She lines it up with your mouth and you have no option whether to drink it or not.

The coldness is fierce against your dry throat but helps a lot more than you expected it to, and your mother smiles at you when you hold the cup yourself, drinking the rest of the fluid inside. You don't smile back when she takes the empty cup from your shaky hand, and even when she takes your hand in her own and squeezes slightly. You know she loves you and means well, you just don't want her comfort right now.

You want Dirk's.

You remember the question you were going to ask her in the first place, before your violent coughing fit, and steadily speak out, taking the time to configure the simple words in your head. "Where is he?" You ask. She looks at you confused for a moment, you then realise she doesn't know who you're talking about because you know various 'he's and probably more than you even thought.

"Dirk, where's Dirk?" His name soothes your voice, it slips off your tongue like his name was supposed to be spoken by you and you only. _Christ you really need him right now. _

Your mother swallows hard for a moment and stares deeply at you before speaking, "he's in the car. He sai-"

"He knows." You interrupt, knowing the answer but still asking. You feel bad all of a sudden, how much worry you must have caused everyone, how much worry you must have caused _Dirk. _He shouldn't have to worry about you because you're supposed to protect him, not the other way around; you love him more than anything right now and you just want to hold him.

"I'm sorry." She breaks down and sobs, ripping her hand from yours and covering her face. You've never heard your mother cry like this before, the sobs are deafening to hear, and what hurts even more is that _she's _apologising. Your hand finds hers again and you take it with both of yours. She looks up at you and you're hurting all over again, her sadness is just too much and you feel tears well up in your eyes.

No. You don't want to feel anything.

You don't want to feel sadness, you don't want to feel fear, you don't want to _feel. _

But you can't stop the tears that run down your face and the words that escape your mouth, "I'm okay, it's okay, we have each other and that's all we need." You lie.

You don't have each other, you don't _want _anyone except your boyfriend. You're not okay, it's not okay, there isn't something right and you can sense it. Your back aches but you say nothing, you don't want to think of anything to complain about right now because your mother is crying happy tears, smiling and kissing your hands. "I love you, sweetheart." Her voice is weak and whimpery.

"I love you too, mum." You look down at the tube plastered to your hand instead of her face. She says nothing more as the sad silence overcomes the room, until you speak, "I would like to see Dirk..." You mention, intending to carry on with confessing that you two were a 'thing', you can't hide this from your mother anymore, especially after...

"I'll get him." Your mother smiles and kisses your hands once more before standing and leaving the room hurriedly. You enjoy the time to yourself already and you lean against the cushions behind you, they were quite soft.

Before you know it, you're drifting into a deep sleep. Until the door to your room opens and you hear footsteps approaching you quickly. You open your eyes quickly and are, again, lost at hope to see your mother with a slightly sad expression on her face. You're about to ask before she starts, "Dirk's gone."

Your heart halts. "Gone?"

She nods in reply, her breaths quick due to obviously running to the car and looking around. Your mind clicks and you begin to panic, what if the people who did this to you have Dirk? You feel a panic attack coming on and your breath hitches as the pain spreads up your back and through your chest. Immediately, your mother is at your side, comforting you and rubbing soothing circles over your hand with her thumb.

"Call him." You manage out through deep breaths. She looks at you for a moment before moving her unoccupied hand to her hand bag and digging around for her phone. She opens her dailing pad and you re-phrase the number to her slowly, your breaths hitching once in a while. You can almost see the sympathy she's feeling for you; it makes you feel even more pathetic. As if laying in a hospital bed, having a minor panic attack and not being able to move wasn't pathetic enough.

You make yourself sick.

* * *

You feel something in your pocket vibrate and it takes you a while to realise that it's your phone, your eyes open to the dim light of the early morning peering through your blinds and you shade your eyes with your hand. Your head is _killing _you and you feel slightly sick, everything is so bright that you have to squint slightly, then you realise you're not wearing your shades and that's why everything is too bright.

The vibrating stops but starts again shortly after you're looking around on your bed, floor and desk for your shades. You're about to frown when something on your face doesn't feel right, other than not wearing your trusty emotion protection. Quickly, you dig around in your pockets for the source of the vibration and take out your phone, you see an unreconised number on your screen. You don't bother picking up, mainly because your dad always says never to pick the phone up if you don't know the number.

Back to the weird feeling on your face, you bring your hand up to feel something dry and flakey on your forehead and down the right side of your face. You trail your hand up to the main area where the substance is coming from and you flinch, it's painful and still sticky. It feels like a very deep and wide gash, panicking, you rush to the mirror on your wall and your jaw drops like a brick.

You stare at the red gash on the right side of your foreheard and the red substance that had dried over your face. You can't stop staring at that wound, it looks a lot more painful than it feels, unless you're suffering with some sort of concussion.

Then it hurts. A lot. You can't remember how you got it, you can't remember anything at all to be honest and your head hurts when you try to. All you can remember is Jake walking you home, well, not home, but the end of your road.

You hear shouting downstairs and you have no idea what is going on when you leave your room to see your father at the front door, shouting at someone. Why he was awake this early, you have no idea, but you sneak passed your brother's bedroom door and inch into the bathroom, looking over the cut on your head more closely.

The door opens slightly more a few minutes later and your dad is standing in the doorway, his face unreadable. You look at him through the mirror, hoping it was some sort of protection if he flips out about your head.

But he doesn't. He gives you a sympathetic look and approaches you, grabbing a flannel from the side of the bath and sitting you down on the toilet seat. He wets the cloth and slowly starts to clean the blood from your face.

You are so confused right now and you don't know what to say to him, how do you begin? You're about to speak when he presses a little too hard and you see black before you gasp in pain and flinch away. Most of the blood is cleaned up, so he puts the cloth down and turns your head torwards his, catching you dead in the eye. Suddenly you feel like a twelve year old again.

"You're to tell nobody about last night, got it?" He says firmly. You frown and it hurts so you change to a straight face again, he notices the frown though and sets his own, "what? Is that too difficult for you?"

The sarcasm in his voice is too obvious that you feel to yawn, but you don't. You shake your head and look away. He grunts, "bet you've already called child services on me, ain't ya? Fuckin' snitch."

You go to speak again and he's standing taller than you, "you're gonna get mouthy with me too?" You have no idea what's going and you're so confused. Why is your dad so angry with you? He's not even letting you speak, you can't help but feel a little intimidated.

"I just wanna know how I got this." You say, loud enough for him not to ask you to speak up. He stares at you for a moment, a certain tint of loneliness in his eyes. You always knew he was a sad and lonely guy, ever since your mom got locked away in that mental house, he has done nothing for himself in his life. Your older brother is his world, mainly because he isn't anything like your mom and apparently you are, apparently _you're just like your mother._

And that hurts you, because you can remember the last time your mom visited you for the day, it was the first and last time you had ever seen her. You were fourteen and she was crazy.

She asked you who you were, how old you were. You didn't know how to reply but the words just slipped off your tongue, _"I'm Dirk, I'm your son." _To that, she flipped her shit. She asked you why she didn't kill you as if you should know the answer, as if when you were four months old, you'd remember everything your mom would say to you. You know now because your dad reminds you every so often,

_"'You're a rat, I gave birth to a rat, Paul' She said."_

_"'Look at this fucker cry, what a pathetic child.' Your mother would shout at me." _

_"'If this child doesn't shut up, may God have mercy on my soul.' Not being funny, son, but she was serious about killing you." _

It didn't hurt hearing all of that, but it hurts knowing your own mother can't stand you. Then it clicks; something in your brain clicks and you are staring into space now.

Your mom can't stand you. You're like your mom. You can't stand yourself.

You are your mom.

Those four words are repeated over and over again in your head. By now, your dad is asking you questions but you can't hear them.

* * *

"He's not answering." She says.

Right now, you want to curl up into a ball and never wake up. You can only imagine how Dirk is feeling now, well, if your assumption is correct. You damn well hope it isn't. You have felt every pang of fear in existance, you can't think straight because of the memory of it, you can just imagine Dirk, being shoved against a wall, crying out in pain as those blokes do horrible things to him; the things they did to you.

You shake your head, you don't want to think of that, remember? He's probably gone home. Probably asleep.

Or he doesn't want to see you. He's disgusted with you, he hates you because of what happened and he thinks you're pathetic. He thinks you're dirty, _filthy._ Those thoughts are making your eyes well up with tears, it's difficult to swallow, you hate yourself too because you let these men _rape _you and you did nothing to fight back. You caused your mother and Dirk all this pain because you decided to take the alley as a shortcut on the way home.

Your thoughts slip on to your tongue, "what if they've taken him? If he's being broken piece by piece right now, mother?" You ask, hoping for an answer. She looks astonished, not in a good way either. Her hands find yours and she looks you dead in the eye.

"Dirk is a strong boy." She pauses, but you speak before her,

"And I'm weak."

"No." Your mother says firmy, "no, no, no, no, no, don't you ever think that."

"I let them do this to me." Your words are hollow but you're crying, "and now Dirk doesn't want anything to do with me because of them." You're now sobbing again and your mother shushes you and strokes your hair,

"They forced you, darling." You could see that those words hurt like glass against her tongue, "you never let them, they forced you." She lets you calm down slightly before speaking again. "Dirk is your best friend, he would never _ever _do that to you."

Your words are weak but you still confess, "Dirk isn't my best friend."

"Well, your 'bro' then."

"We're a thing." You wipe your eyes with the tissue your mother gives you.

"A thing?" She blinks, "what do you mean by 'a thing'?"

"He's my boyfriend." You don't look at her, in fact, you're not looking anywhere but your lap because you don't know how your mother will react to you being in a relationship with Dirk for two years without her knowing.

"Oh Jake, why didn't you tell me?" She says after a moment of silence. Her voice isn't angry so you look up at her.

"I didn't...I don't know."

"It doesn't bother me who you love, sweetheart, as long as you're happy." She smiles weakly, rubbing a thumb over your cheek, "I'll always be your mum and I'll always love you."

You feel a huge weight lift off your shoulders, but there's still that feeling of fear; still that endless realm of pain buried away.

Where's Dirk?

* * *

**phew, okay, this is updated, i can now sleep peacefully. **

**my god guys it's been so long! i'm so sorry; for those of you who didn't know, i was banned for a month on here so i couldn't update-then my dad didn't pay the freakin internet bill so yeah, i've been pretty stressed. **

_**and now to catch up on four and a half weeks worth of homestuck. **_**kmn.**


	5. Amnesia

_**"Said goodbye to my best friend, **_

_**sometimes there's no one left to tell me the truth. **_

_**It's gonna kill me, the rest of my life, **_

_**Let me apologise while I'm still alive,**_

_**I know it's time to face my past mistakes, **_

_**I've got to live them the rest of my life." **_**Rest of My Life - Less Than Jake.**

* * *

"Are you fucking with me?" He asks.

"Dirk?"

"Dirk."

"_**Dirk.**_" His voice is firm and stressed. You can hear him somewhere in your head among your thoughts but you don't care, you don't want to listen, you don't want to turn out like your mom either.

"What's all the shoutin' about, fuck, can't a guy get some sleep in this house?" You hear you brother's drawled out, tired tone as he enters the bathroom.

"Blame your brother." Your dad hisses at you; you don't respond.

You try to remember yesterday, just for some hint of what happened. Something is poking at your gut and you don't know whether it's pain or paranoia, maybe both. "What happened yesterday?" You ask, voice flat.

"You acted like a fucking dickhead and hit me a few times, thanks to you, I got a shit loada bruises from you."

You weren't going to lie to yourself, that sort of surprised you. You'd _never _hit your brother because he is ten times, probably more, stronger than you and could pin you down in an instant. Not to mention he'd thoroughly kick your ass too. "When I came home." It was more of a reminder than a question, but you still wondered.

"You freaked the fuck out when I came into your room, apparently you got yourself a few friends." Your brother laughs harshly and glares over the rim of his shades at you as you turn to face him, since he was the only one giving you answers, even if they weren't very informative. Something must be wrong because you can't remember anything your brother is telling you.

Finally, you look up at your brother and he glances at your dad. The expression on his face changes suddenly and he looks at you again when your dad speaks up after clearing his throat, "Dave, get dressed, we're going to the hospital." He says. Your blood goes cold when your brother leaves the room.

You hate hospitals.

What if your dad's going to tell them you're like your mom and they lock you away? It's a stupid thought, but it still smacks you in the mind like a meteor. You'll be damned if they lock you away in that nuthouse with your mom. Your dad suddenly turns you to him gently and looks you in the eye, "you fell down the stairs last night and refused to go to the hospital, you got that?"

"So...that's what actually happened, or what?" You ask. He just looks at you with a worried expression and turns you back round, leading you into the hallway and torwards the stairs carefully.

In all honesty, you feel gross and icky because you've been in these clothes for two days, so you turn to your dad with little confidence, "can I change first?" He looks down at you and stops walking. He then strolls to your bedroom expecting you to follow, which you do, and opens your wardrobe to pick you out some clothes. You don't bother taking that responsiblity yourself because you're starting to feel really sick and dizzy, and your dad obviously sees this because he puts the new set of clothes on the bed next to you.

Then he does something unexpected; he lifts off your shirt and helps you put on the clean one, that isn't covered in blood and sweat. Your trousers are boxers are another story, he lets you do that yourself and you're not sure why, because he's your dad and that's not that weird, seeing as he 'raised' you.

When you're finished getting dressed, he takes your arm and pulls you from your room and down the stairs carefully, where your brother is waiting at the bottom with his arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently on the floor, "aww, get daddy to change your diaper?" He coos sarcastically at you. In return you stare at him before replying, "at least I don't make him bath me."

"That was one time you little shit, shut up."

And you do shut up, for the rest of the journey to the car and to the hospital. You pass Jake's house on the way and notice that there isn't a car in the drive. _Maybe he's gone out. _You're disappointed that he's not home, hopefully when, _if_, you return from hospital, he'll be home so you can go round and smother his plush rump with your hugs. Although you hated being soppy and found it ridiculous to constantly hug your lover, you couldn't help but want to with Jake, he was just so loveable. You remember your brother getting angry at you all of a sudden, you assume it was yesterday when you arrived home. You remember feeling scared in case they knew about you and Jake, although it seems like they're very unaware, so you don't bother worrying any more.

"Hey, fuckhead, we're here, get out." Your brother shouts from slamming the passenger door. You do as he says and unbuckle your seatbelt, along with getting your ass out of the car and slowly, as slowly as you could, make your way torwards the main entrance with your brother and dad about a foot in front of you.

_Wait. _Something hurts. _Last night._ This morning. _Wait._ You think deeply and your head hurts like crazy. You stop walking and you can't breathe properly, it hurts too much to do anything right now. _Jake. He was here._ You remember getting out of the car and walking home, you remember feeling regretful and guilty for leaving Jake because...

_Oh my fuck, no no no no no. _You let out an agonised cry as your head feels like it's being used as a hammer, you can't even stand it any more, you just want it to stop completely. You're in your dad's arms now as he carries you to the hospital entrance, specifically, accident and emergency. You feel weak and tired as the pain dulls in your head to a minor throb, but apparently you're pale and you have a fever, although you're conscious, you can't see much.

When your consciousness brings itself back around, you're sitting in a chair, a bandage around your head and the pain's gone. You notice you had been staring in one direction for quite a while and you finally blink, glance sideways to see your dad sitting anxiously in the chair next to you, then your brother in the one next to him, but turned your way slightly. You're in a single room, a nurse then walks back in with a clipboard, "good news: there's no perminant damage to his head. Bad news: he suffered a very bad concussion with minor amnesia." She says firmly and leans down to your level so you're looking her in the eye, "Dirk?" When you look at her, she smiles, "glad that you're back with us. Do you feel okay? Any dizzyness, sickness...?"

You shake your head because you don't feel dizzy or sick. You feel guilty for something that you don't really know why. "Alright, that's great. Do you remember how this happened?" She asks again. You look away from her friendly stare and reply after a moment of silence,

"I fell down the stairs." You lie. "I didn't want to come here, so I left it until I started getting bad headaches." You know that isn't what happened. You know your dad smacked you and let go of your arm as he did so that you did fall. He wanted you to fall, just like the sick man he is.

"Well the amnesia's worn off, that's good. But next time, come here straight away."

"Hopefully there won't be a next time!" Your dad jokes as if he's the friendliest and nicest guy alive. He lifts himself from the chair as the nurse laughs along and agrees, he then shakes her hand and thanks her for her time. But you just sit there, because something is pulling you back on to the seat. Why were you in the car park last night? Why were you in Jake's mom's car? Did something happen to Jake?

Your dad gently pulls you up from the seat and the nurse is asking you a question but you ignore it. Then it hits you. Everything that happened last night hits you straight in the head and you feel a heated pool of guilt pressure through your veins and in your stomach. Suddenly, you rip your arm from your dad's grip and run out of the room, down the hall, turn left, run straight until you come across double doors. Your dad is following you because you can hear him and hear heavy footsteps behind you, including the squeaking of sneakers on the polished floor so your brother must be following too.

You arrive at the information desk and ask for Jake English. The woman eyes you over and points you in the direction, "room 731." She stares and you run off without thanking her. Your running soon slows to a jog as you eye up the numbers on the doors.

_728...729...730..._Your stomach flips as you approach the outside of room _731. _You don't stop when you open the door quickly and rush in. Jake looks at you from looking at his mom and you adore his expression of surprise, you adore him. You're out of breath from running but you still stride over to the hospital bed and wrap your arms around his upper half loosely and carefully, so you don't hurt him, because you would never want to hurt him. He seems shocked but hugs you back and when you pull away to look at him, he's still got that surprised expression on his face. You can't help but smile.

* * *

You begin losing all sense of hope.

By now, your mother had shifted your pillows so you could sit fully up instead of laying half way. Your back still hurts, among other things, but the painkillers have helped settle them to minimal pain. Although there are things painkillers can't fix. That's when you see Dirk rush in through the door and your heart skips a couple of beats. _He's okay, he's here. _You're about to set a smile before you see the bandage on his head, you're about to ask, you're still in shock from him just being here, but he hugs you gently and you feel like pushing yourself against his warm body and never letting go.

You're so overwhelmed by him being here, least expected, just when you were losing hope of him being here, he's here. He pulls away and smiles at you, a genuine smile. His eyes trace yours and you're lost for all words.

"Y-you're here." You manage out. His smile lessens with happiness and he wraps his arms around you again, you feel strong when he's around, like nothing can hurt you ever again. Your mother sits in the chair, smiling at you both. Dirk doesn't pull away when the door opens again, but he does a few moments after to look at who entered. His face becomes that casual look of his when he spots, who you assume, is his dad and brother.

You look over their appearences and realise how much Dirk looks like his brother, from the blonde hair to the casual look of sunglasses in dim-lit places. His red hoodie and black skinny jeans was similar to Dirk's fashion. His father wore a suit, for some unknown reason. It occures to you that Dirk had never introduced to you to his family, he'd never spoken about them either, and it makes you wonder.

"Leave." Dirk says immediately, his voice a protective tone. You're not sure who he was protecting, himself or you, but his stance changes slightly.

"We have to go." His father speaks up then looks at your mother as she stands from her chair, "morning, we've never met, I'm Paul Strider." He holds his hand towards her and she gladly excepts, "pleasure to meet you, I'm Jessica English."

Dirk glances at you before his father turns his attention back on him, "come on, stop being stubborn-"

"Why don't we grab a coffee together?" Your mother links her arm in with Dirk's father's and leads him out of the room. His words of protest are ignored as the door shuts. Dirk's brother sneers at Dirk before leaving with them, the silence approaching.

"Dirk, I-I didn't think you were coming." You break the silence with your quiet voice. He sits in the seat next to your bed but pulls it closer to you.

"I'm so sorry, shit just flipped up and it got in the way." He sounds tired and looks pale. You begin to worry that you've, yet again, become a bother.

"Don't apologise, I'm just glad you're here." You move your hand to his and he flinches away suddenly. You stare at him before he shrugs at you and links your fingers with his tightly. "How did you do that?" You ask pointing at his head, "and where are the famous Strider sunglasses?"

He shrugs in return and doesn't look at you, "I fell."

"Off a roof?" You assume comically, "That doesn't look very convincing for a fall, you're going have to try harder." You push on, you're getting tired of him lying to you about personal things.

"Down the stairs. Last night, I got home and I was tired."

"Why did you leave?"

He shrugs again and is still not looking at you. You sigh heavily, and then feel a little guilty considering he's here because you want him to be, and probably because he wants to be too, but you can't just stick with his lies.

"Were you ashamed?" Your voice cracks slightly, but he doesn't notice.

He snaps his head in your direction, "ashamed? Honestly?"

"Ashamed of dating me." You start, already feeling the tears well up in your eyes. "I'm weak and disgusting. I'm so weak and pathetic, I thought you hated me for what I let happen, for making you worry so much." You you're the one not looking at him, you can't face it if you're right and he is disgusted with you. The silence drags on and you still don't look up.

"You watched Moulin Rogue?" He suddenly asks, voice stoic. You're now very confused as to why he's asking you this, perhaps he's doing what he usually does to avoid a topic of discussion. You sigh under your breath and look up slightly, but not at him.

"Yes, indeed I have."

"What's your favourite part?" He asks again, leaning forward in his chair. You think deeply, _what was my favourite part of that terrible movie? _Wait, why are you even playing along with this?

"The part where it ends." You mutter. He pauses and you glance in his direction, his face isn't that of an unsual expression, maybe a little less stressed than usual.

"See, my favourite part is when Ewan McGregor falls in love with Nicole Kidman, then realises she's a prostitute but still loves her regardless. He wants to be with her forever and he would never hate her or hate her flaws, because she's perfect in every way to him." Dirk replies, his voice softer than you've ever heard it before. You have to admit, that was pretty deepening and it struck a nerve, making you feel all gooey inside, so you look at him, a little too much surprise on your face than you expected but you don't mind when he smiles at you.

A smile finds your face and you can't stop the feeling of happiness that tingles over your skin, a small blush covering your face. _When he's a soppy git, he's a major soppy git_. "Really? You liked that part? I thought it was rather, or too, cliché." You chuckle. He leans forwards and catches your lips with his, sending a strong shiver of tingles up your spine, _how you've wanted that for a long time._

The kiss was that of a short one, but you don't care, it made you feel whole again. Being with Dirk makes you feel whole again. "I have some news." You say, figuring you should probably give Dirk a heads up that your mother knows you two are 'a thing'.

"Good or bad? You're okay, aren't you?" It seems like he panics for a moment before you, in a very unmanly way, giggle and he relaxes slightly. "Alright, so it's good news I assume."

"You bet Strider!" You begin, "my mother is fine with us being together, if anything, she's a tad upset that I didn't tell her sooner."

You see his smile disappear into an expression of...is that shock? _Fear?_ "What's the matter? I thought you would be happy." You say, rather confused at his reaction. He doesn't reply, just lets his jaw drop slightly. _What on earth is his problem?_

* * *

**so soppy i love it :3 **

**my updates are limited now because of my lack of internet connection at home; the only times i can update are when i'm looking after my nephew or when my dad decides to pay the internet bill. and of course, looking after my one year old nephew and updating is pretty difficult, but please don't lose hope. **


	6. Be Running Up That Hill

**"If I only could,**

**make a deal with God, **

**and get him to swap our places." - Running Up That Hill - Placebo.**

* * *

"What on earth is the matter Strider?"

Dirk begins to maintain his facial expression and straightens his mouth out to the casual expression he has, but his eyes say something entirely different. "It's nothing, it's just a bit shocking I guess."

"Shocking? You looked absolutely terrified." You say curiously, "I'm pretty sure it's not nothing, whatever it is. Did you not want my mother knowing?"

"It's nothing." He snaps very unusually, "I don't care about your mom knowing."

"Then what's the problem?" You reply, quite taken aback by his sudden attitude. He stays quiet and doesn't reply for a few moments, you decide to shift in your seat, which was a very bad idea because a sharp, unhappy pain strikes up your back and makes you grunt. Immediately, Dirk is standing and adjusting your pillows so you can lean back, but now you have complete eye contact with him. "Thank you, are you going to tell me now?"

"There's nothing to tell you, so can we please just drop it?"

"No." You feel strange saying that, you have never been so strict with Dirk. Usually, when he says to drop a conversational subject, you always comply. But now, you _want _to know, you feel like such a bad boyfriend knowing nothing about your own boyfriend!

He looks at you with a different stare and frowns slightly, "No? What the hell is the problem with you just leaving stuff alone?" He raises his voice slightly and before you can speak, he rises from his chair and begins speaking again, "maybe it's a bit personal and I don't feel like sharing, maybe I don't want to go through every little detail with you because that would make things more difficult between us."

When he finishes you can't help but stare at him gobsmacked. You don't know how to reply to that, Dirk's never gotten angry at you and you don't know how to deal with, but you don't feel upset about it, in fact, you feel kind of proud.

Oh wait, there's that guilt for making him upset.

Once you finally blink from wide eyes, his gaze lightens and smoothes over as he sighs quietly and sits back down, the floor looking seemingly more interesting than you when he isn't looking at you anymore. However, you can't look away from him. "Sorry, I shouldn't have just-"

"Dirk, don't apologize." You interrupt rudely so that he looks up at you, "do that more often, will you? It reminds me that you're actually human and not some robot." You smile. He doesn't smile back, just stares at you and everything suddenly feels a tad awkward for your liking.

There are a few moments of silence before he speaks up, to your surprise. "It's just my dad, he's a bit controlling." You wait for him to continue, not wanting to disturb this rare moment, "it's sometimes like he expects me to be lonely and not have any friends because of _his _mistakes."

"And that would have something to do with me?" You ask when he doesn't continue.

"Kind of." Is all he says and the silence falls over once more, but you don't mind, because for Dirk to confess _something _about his family life is an achievement at the least. It isn't long before the door to your room opens. Then you notice that it isn't a gentle opening, the door is slammed open and Dirk's father is standing the doorway, his expression of anger lays on you first before moving to a shaken up Dirk sitting next to you. He says nothing as his fierce body storms towards Dirk and grabs his arm, forcefully pulling him from the seat and drags him from the spot next to you. You stare in complete shock, not knowing what to say or do, wondering if you should get involved.

"Fuck, ow!" Dirk manages out while trying to pry his father's grip from his own arm. Your voice isn't heard over your boyfriends cries of protest as his father drags him from your side, you feel completely hopeless and silent. You can hear your name being called as the blonde teen is shoved out of the room by his father, suddenly a glare is flashed your way and a shiver spreads through your body.

Then you're alone. You can faintly hear shouting down the quiet halls of the hospital, even how much you want to jump out of bed and run after Dirk, you can't. It hits you that you've just let the worst happen, you've literally just let your boyfriend be taken from you, you're not sure whether it's permanent or not, although you hope it isn't, you've let it happen with hardly any effort in protest.

You can only imagine what he's thinking right now.

* * *

People are staring at you as you shout at your dad to let go of your arm with his iron grip, because it hurts like hell and you want to see Jake, you never want to leave his side. You know why your dad's dragging you, purposively, out of the hospital, but you don't know what's going to happen to you when nobody can see it. You honestly hope someone will get in your dad's way and set him straight, because you are scared. You feel so hopelessly scared of what's waiting for you at home, it won't just be a beating, it'll be a scar-worthy beating that will 'hopefully set you straight'. Literally.

Suddenly, you're thrown into the backseat of the car and your dad and brother get in. As quickly as you can, you grab the handle of the door and try to open it, but your dad has locked the doors and he's looking at you in the rear-view mirror with a deadly glare, "I'm not fuckin' stupid, put yer seatbelt on before I strangle you with it for makin' a scene." His texan accent is more noticable when he's angry, making him all the more scary for you. Reluctantly, you do as he says, glancing at the back of your brother's head before clipping the seatbelt into place and watching the hospital disappear, feeling like you'll end up turning up there later with more bruises and cuts that aren't fixable.

Then you think about Jake, and your worries fade, because you know once this beating is over, your dad will be too tired to give a fuck about your where-abouts and you'll be able to escape the dark house. You dig in your pocket for your phone and start typing out a message for Jake, before the car stops at a traffic light and your brother turns around and snatches it from your hand, "nah I don't think so." He smirks.

"You're serious?" You begin, "you're taking my phone from me because I'm gay? What a punishment."

Your brother laughs and tucks your phone away in his pocket, looking at your dad before keeping quiet. You see the grip of your dad's hand tighten on the gear stick that his knuckles are turning white. You stay quiet for the rest of the journey home. Your legs begin shaking as your dad pulls into the driveway, and your hands can't find the door handle when he steps out of the car, waiting for you to leave the car before locking it.

The driveway seems so long when you're walking to the front door, you're hoping it stretches out a bit more so you could run off down the road and away from your dad. Turning your head slightly, you realise that your brother isn't as close as you thought, you then look at how far the next turning is. Just as your dad puts the key in the front door, you feel the heat rise in your stomach and you feel like running off and turning straight around the corner, but you know they'll find you.

As soon as the door is opened, your dad pulls you in and drags you over to the sofa, allowing your brother to shut and lock the front door. Fuck, you feel so ill.

Your body is shoved down on to the sofa and your dad stands over you, his glare hardening as you look up at him, unthreatened. On the inside, you're recollecting your thoughts, remembering that embrace you had with your boyfriend, how you wished it would never end. Among those thoughts, you expect a smack, a falcon punch in your fucking face because no way in hell have you been brought to the sofa of shame from pride.

But nothing comes. You dad hovers over you still, unfazed by your brave stare. Then he chuckles and you can't breathe, his throaty laughter worming its way into your head. You don't speak, you don't _dare_, you have to wait until he starts speaking until you can reply. Finally, after a few more seconds of the terrifying chuckle, you father speaks. "You wanna know what's funny?" He asks, and when you fail to reply, he carries on, "that this is all just one big stupid scam to set your ol' man up, because no way in hell is my son a faggot."

"This isn't a joke." You interrupt, making his overly falsed smirk turn into pure anger.

"You ain't no faggot. You may be a strange kid, but you ain't. No. Fag." He pokes at your rage a few more times, knowing that it's getting to you. And it is getting to you; you've always seen shit like this in movies, where the kid always gets the bad end of the stick because of their sexual preference. It makes you sick. "And I'd know, because if a son of mine was a faggot, he'd get a fuckin' beatin' and a half."

"I'm not a fucking kid anymore, _dad_; you can't just beat the shit out of me because you think I'm wrong." You reply, your fists shaking in your lap. He seems taken aback by your voice and blinks before clearing his throat,

"'scuse me?" He asks. When you're too scared to repeat yourself, he smacks you aside the head forcefully. Thankfully, the good side of your head. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

"Sorry." That's probably the best thing you could say right now to save your ass from the beating waiting for you. Your dad's heavy hand grabs your wrist and yanks you up from your seat.

"You bet for your sake you're sorry." He growls, and when he growls, the heat in your stomach rises and you're going to vomit if he moves you again.

He does move you and you don't vomit, thank fuck. He pushes you towards the door to the garage and you know why. When you used to misbehave when you were younger, the garage is where your dad would take you to beat you senseless. Dave never knew what it was like, he only got punches in the arm, whereas you suffered a lot worse in private.

Usually when you would leave the garage as a child, arms aching and legs quivering, your brother would be sitting on the couch. He would send you a look from underneath those sunglasses and turn away, as if he had seen nothing. He had seen it; he had seen a lot.

But he was always too selfish and sick to admit it. Just like your dad.

* * *

It had been a long time since Dirk got pulled from your grip.

Your mother ran in and asked various questions, claiming that she had only mentioned how happy she was for the two of you to Dirk's father and he had stormed out of the cafe, his oldest son quickly scrambling after him.

Although you're not quite sure what goes on between the Striders, you're starting to have clue. You remember the times Dirk turned up at school late, bruises along his arms and ribs; you would often see them when he changed for gym. You never asked because you knew he had an older brother, you pretty much guessed they tussled like normal brothers, but now...now you're not quite dependant on that theory.

Your mother had tried calling Dirk's mobile so many times for you that you dreaded the phone bill, and Dirk's spam of voicemails of 'Sweetheart, it's Jakey's mum, please call me when you get this.' Her expression was smothered over with worry and guilt, similar to yours earlier that day. She had suggested driving to his house and confronting his father, but you disagreed. Selfishly, you didn't see how that would help. It would only anger his father far more. And besides, your assumptions may not have been correct, Dirk's father might just be angry and not at all abusive, it's best to just wait.

Sit in the endless trodden of worry and fear until Dirk contacts you. Which will probably be never again. Your heart throbs at that and you're back to square one; this was your entire fault. You just had to tell your mother. You deserve this, but Dirk doesn't deserve whatever he's getting right this minute.

Your head turns towards your mother and it seems to comfort her nervous thinking as she smiles painfully in your direction. You know she thinks of Dirk more of a son rather than just your friend, she would protect him as much as she would protect you, and that is a lot. Soon, she sighs and mutters something under her breath before leaving your room. The flick of her golden hair is the last thing you see before the door closes and you're left confused, worried and alone.

_Alone._


	7. Be Dirk Again

_**"I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away, **_

_**Sometimes I wish I could save you, **_

_**And there so many things that I want you know,**_

_**I won't give up 'til it's over, **_

_**If takes you forever, I want you to know." **_**Save You - Simple Plan**

* * *

There's a knock at the garage door and you know who it is. You don't bother telling him to come in; you don't want him to come in. You may have been lucky with that beating, but that doesn't mean you're in a brilliant mood to deal with your asshole brother rubbing it in your face that you're more bruised than a banana after visiting a twenty dollar whore house.

Fuck it, you're _broken._

Your dad made it pretty clear that he doesn't want you ever seeing Jake again, he made it pretty clear that this wasn't a casual beating; this meant he was capturing you. It worked, once he left the garage, you leaned against the cold wall and allowed your legs to collapse. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to blink; it hurts to _cry_.

"Hey." Your brother's voice echoes silently in the cold room, his body making its way towards you, probably wondering if you're even alive, laying on the cold cement floor. His voice rises, "Dirk?"

You nod slightly in reply, you know if you speak that you'll end up looking like a douche; your throat feels like sandpaper when you heavily swallow the blood lump lodged in there. You finally find the strength to speak up, but your voice is raspy beyond repair. "If you're going to laugh at my pathetic figure after a worthy ass kicking from dad; just do it already." You admit to yourself that you aren't in the mood for anything; you ache all over and your lip feels five times bigger than it is. This was probably the worst beating since you were five, where your dad broke two of your ribs and sprained your arm.

When your brother speaks again, you're surprised in the least. "No, I'm not." He says as he sits on the concrete floor next to your laying figure, staring at you underneath those aviators.

You pause and open your sore eyes, staring up at the grey ceiling above the two of you. You begin thinking that your brother actually has a heart, but then you feel like laughing at that. You would laugh, but you know your body would hate you for it. "Then...then what are you..." You're struggling to speak now, but your brother doesn't budge from his spot.

"I heard you in here...with dad and...Fuck it, Dirk, we both know this isn't right."

You gawp at him, your jaw rejecting the request due to the shooting pain around that specific area. "You've decided now, of all times, to get it on with your conscience?"

"What are you talking about?" He asks, a quizzical look obtaining its place on his face; you sigh.

"You know." You spit, "you fucking know exactly what I'm talking about. All these years of you two blaming me for everything, you being on his side just because you're a sadistic bastard who can't score a girl even in ironic ways, didn't exactly make things easier," You don't let silence fall over before cutting in again.

"Now you're in here, staring me down and telling me that this is wrong." You finish, looking up at the ceiling in an honest attempt to not get up and punch him down. You're so confused, why is your brother even in here? He doesn't give a fuck when your dad smacks the shit out of you; he's never cared. Now, all of a sudden, he's grown a conscience.

"I was scared, Dirk." Dave said after some moments of silence, before you could ask, he's talking again and an unbearable pain settles over your heart. "I was scared that dad would turn on me. I thought that if...if he smacked you about for little things, he wouldn't be so angry at me all the time."

Well, you're not sure whether you're insulted or sympathetic. Instead, you choose to look at his slouching figure against the cold wall. You see it; you see the hurt in his actions. You can see the fear in his body, the things that he had never told _anyone _apart from you.

"M'sorry for it all, I swear, I never wanted you hurt. It...just happened, and I couldn't stand up for you." He continues when you don't reply, "now you're with all this gay shit, I don't know where to stand."

"For starters, you can help me up."Your breath hitches as a pain itches at your side for being in one position for too long. Your brother doesn't hesitate to stand up and pull you up by your arms, wiping the dust from your back. You mumble a thanks before the room goes silent.

Dave reaches in his pocket and words an 'oh yeah', when you look up from the spinning floor, he's handing you your phone. "I made sure dad didn't get hold of it. I didn't go through it."

You stare at the phone in your hands and look up at your brother. A small, awkward smile is along his lips and you feel a weight push down on your shoulders; this is the first time in almost twelve years you've actually seen your older brother smile. _At you! _

He's not asking for forgiveness, he's asking for a chance to be a brother.

A smile finds your lips and everything you've ever thought of your brother disappears. You regret thinking about your older bro in negative ways after what he's just told you. As if reading your mind, he speaks. "I don't expect you not to hate me. I expect you to give me this chance."

You nod and he holds out his fist, so you bump yours with his before he disperses from the room with a tiny wave from the garage door. You look back down at your phone and open your draft messages, quickly opening the one from earlier and finishing it. You smile again when it sends successfully and lean against the wall; it feels good to smile.

'_It's okay, English; I'm okay. _

_I love you.' _


	8. Be Jake Again

**Both chapters are pretty short so I uploaded both.**

* * *

You stare down at your phone and a sudden blanket of relief covers your anxious feeling, Dirk was okay and that's all you cared about. You haven't really stopped thinking about him since he was practically dragged from your side, but now you know he's fine, probably hurt but deciding not to let you know, you can relax slightly.

Whether you're ever going to see him again is another story. His father's glare at you before he left the room disturbed you slightly; his eyes held such disgust and anger that you almost felt his glare pierce straight through you. It makes you shiver when you think about it, and you need to stop thinking about it because a nurse is speaking to your mother and you should probably listen.

"So when can he leave?" Your mother asks, straightening her posture.

"Any time this week." The nurse replies. She's very young, probably just slightly older than you, yet she's experienced in far more than you are. "We can put you on a course of painkillers in case the pain is too much, would you like that?" She asks, turning her attention to you. Her eyes are soft, if not, pitiful at you. Usually you would reply kindly, feeling happy about her kindness and gentle natures, but instead, you just want to scream at her to stop looking at you like that.

You've had enough of others looking at you like that; their pity just sickens you. You don't need pity; you don't need others to feel sorry for your mistakes.

Instead of lashing out, you just nod your head and turn your head away from her stare. The more you see that look in her eyes, the more you will anger yourself.

Once she leaves, your mother sits back down beside you and smiles. "You hear that, you can come home."

"Mm-hm." You hum, now finding interest in the window and birds flying across the grey sky. It's going to rain soon.

"Is something wrong, sweetheart?" She asks grasping your hand gently in hers. You shake your head and look back down at your phone which is still in your hands.

"Dirk's okay." You mumble. You should be happy; you're relieved, but that's the happiest you're going to get if you're honest. All you want to do is see him; you just want to forget everything that's happened and carry on like before.

"That's brilliant, isn't it?" She beams with a smile, "when you leave this dusty place, how about we go see him?"

"No, we should probably leave it." You mutter. Your throat suddenly tightens; you want to and you're so glad your mother offered that, but his father...

His father probably hates you, and the more you're around Dirk, the more Dirk is going to get punished for it. You don't want Dirk hurt and you don't want him to be constantly worried or scared, even if he doesn't tell you or show it; you know that deep down, he is always scared.

It strikes you that perhaps being in a relationship isn't going to work anymore if you two can't see each other, that dating him will only make everything ten times worse for him and that's the last thing you want. You want to protect him...even if that means you hurt him.

* * *

Leaving that place was possibly the best thing that's happened all week. It was such a relief to step, well, stumble out into the warm and fresh air in the car park. With your mother's help, you managed to walk to the cark park without the wheelchair offered by that kind nurse.

"Are you certain you don't want to see Dirk?" She asks as you ease yourself into the car. Thinking of Dirk since three days ago, you haven't heard from him since three days ago. Perhaps you should go and see him...You need to tell him how you feel and what you find is best for you both.

"I think I should text him first." You say pulling out your phone. Your mother smiles widely, you seem to think that she adores Dirk more than you. You certainly don't doubt it, she's always mentioning how he's very well spoken and polite.

"Alright sweetheart." She nods and shuts your door before climbing into the driver's seat next to you. You shift in your seat, becoming suddenly uncomfortable as you being typing out a text.

'_Dirk, I need to speak to you, and my mother would love to see you. Is it possible for us to visit?' _

Upon sending, you hold your phone in your hand during the journey. "Do you want anything to eat? We can stop at McDonalds if you're hungry, hospital food isn't the most delicious thing in the world." She chuckles.

"No, thank you, but I'm not very hungry." You say, staring at your phone in your hand. You want him to reply so you can get this off your chest. It's eating away at you that you're starting to feel sick from thinking about it too much.

"Alright, but you need to eat something later." Your mother glances in your direction. "Even if it's something small, you need your energy."

You nod and suddenly your phone vibrates. Quickly, you flip the screen up and open the message from Dirk:

'_I'm sure that will be alright. My dad's at work, so yes.' _

Your stomach flips due to nervousness and you turn to your mother. "Dirk said it's fine for us to visit." Your voice sounds too distant for your liking.

"Oh? That's alright then, aren't you happy?"

"Yes, of course. I just need to speak to him, that's all." You stutter, the reality hitting you.

"Anything you want to tell me?" She asks after a moment of silence.

"I will tell you, just not now." And to that, she nods in reply with a satisfied smile on her face.


	9. The Hare and the Heartless

**Chapter 9: **

**Can you hear it calling? **

**Can you feel it in your soul? **

**Can you trust this longing and take control? – Fly by Hilary Duff.**

* * *

Shitshitshitshitshit Jake's coming over to your house and you look like a moggy fucker with all these bruises and cuts. He'll ask questions and his mom will ask plenty more and you'll have to answer because they're in your house.

Although you should be happy that you're going to see your boyfriend after four days of no contact apart from that text after that beating; your chest aches from the thought. Smack back to reality, Jake's going to be here any minute and you're a mess. And you still need to tell your bro that they're coming over.

Quickly, and clumsily, you stumble out of your room and jog towards the bathroom. Over the sink, you stare at yourself in the mirror and _holy shit you look like a mess. _You splash as much water that can fit in your hands over your face and look back up in the mirror to realise that that really didn't help your appearance at all, the big, black bruise over your cheek and the bridge of your nose hasn't faded, the split lip has healed and is now just a healthy scab instead of a gaping hole full of blood. The worst possible thing on your face is that split on your head from the stairs incident. Although it's better than before; it still looks hideous and your face will definitely be a problem. Before long, you're shoving yourself in a pair of loose and dark jeans with a black shirt you found hidden within your wardrobe; you don't even know if it's yours, and you don't even care.

You give up on trying to hide the bruising and rush down the stairs to your brother, who is lying out on the red couch in his checkered boxer shorts, like a useless lump of flesh. "Jake's coming over." You blurt, seemingly hoping he'll give you a solution instead of being informed. He looks over at you from the TV and sits up steadily, "Whoa, is that a good idea? If dad comes home-"

"I haven't seen him in four days and I can't leave the house like this." You remind him. He nods and stretches, rising from his seat.

"Alright, I'll disappear for an hour." He mumbles tiredly, heading for the stairs. You assume he means staying in his room, but to your surprise, he comes back down fully dressed with his phone in his hand. "Call me if you need anything." And if on cue, the doorbell rings.

Your heart stops for a moment; you're not ready, you still look like a mess, but it's too late, your brother opens the door and looks at you. "Friend's here." He points to Jake and opens the door wider so they can come in. There's that sickness again.

Your brother nods in your direction and glances at Jake's mom before leaving the house, as soon as the front door shuts behind him, Jake's mom brings you into an embrace which you're not sure how to react to, but you accept it anyway. She looks down at you and her hands slip to your shoulders. "What happened to your face?" She frowns deeply.

You shrug and look away from her, you know if you look any longer, you'll spill everything.

* * *

You were honestly stunned to silence when Dirk's brother opened the door and didn't slam it back in your face, nor did he say much about it. You looked over his appearance before entering the house and looked upon Dirk.

You felt your jaw drop slightly at the bruise on his face, but you said nothing. You know he wouldn't want you worrying so you try not to show concern. That's when you remember your mother is behind you before she forces Dirk into a hug and asks him about the injury.

His reaction doesn't surprise you at all, but your mother doesn't take it for an answer. "Dirk, sweetheart?" She asks. You feel like it's your time to interrupt and stop the oncoming awkward silence.

"Mother, could you give us a minute?" You say. She looks at you and nods slightly before stepping away from Dirk. "I'll wait in the car. Keep an eye out for that old grump." She smiles. "It was lovely seeing you Dirk, come over whenever you want, I'm always here to help." Your mother rubs his upper arm before stepping out of the front door and shutting it softy behind her. You know she wasn't oblivious to what happened, she just decided to not talk about it.

There's a long silence before Dirk rushes towards you and wraps his arms around you, burying his head in your shoulder. You're surprised by his movement but say nothing and enjoy the moment; you wrap your arms around him gently, this time you're worried you're going to break him from how fragile he looks. He pulls himself away from you, but still in your grip, and looks at you. "You said you needed to speak to me." His voice is so rough.

You nod and follow him to the sofa, taking in the surroundings around you. His house is fairly huge, and the colour scheme matches well. A dark red sofa against the wall with a flatscreen television on the opposite wall, a light wood cabinet sits across the room with photos along it and inside the glass cabinets attached, a dark red chair also faces sideways to the sofa and a glass coffee table sits a few inches from the sofa.

After you both sit down, you open your mouth to speak and when the words leave your mouth, your heart practically falls down into your stomach. "I don't think we should be together anymore."

His face becomes visibly stunned and you continue regrettably. "Your father doesn't like me and I can't stand seeing you hurt because of us. So we shouldn't be a thing."

"No, my dad doesn't care." He says suddenly, "why would he care who I'm dating? Please, Jake..." He grabs your hand. You don't hide your surprise about his sudden reaction, but you know he's lying. You've met people like his father, and they do care who their sons date.

"Dirk, don't lie to me, how else did you get those injuries?" about to pull your hand away when he grips it tighter, as if letting go would make you disappear forever. It pains you to how much emotion is in his eyes.

"Don't let him ruin this, don't let him win." He replies quickly. You shake your head, you don't want to do this, but you don't want him to suffer anymore.

"I'm sorry, I don't want this, but I don't want you being hurt for this all, it's-"

"That doesn't matter;** nothing** else matters when we're together." He's almost pleading now and you're thinking about agreeing with him and having this continuous worry of how bad his bruises will be when you next see him; and also wondering _if _you're ever going to see him.

"It does matter." You reply. "It_ does_ matter." Your other hand relaxes on top of his. He looks down at your hand and back up at you.

"What can I do to make you change your mind?" He asks suddenly.

"You can't change my mind, Dirk, don't make this more difficult than it already is." You use a typical quote you hear in the movies, but by now you have nothing more you can say. You want to just hold him and tell him everything is going to be okay, but it's not going to be okay. You realize that you've been looking away from him and when you look back, he's looking down.

"Alright." His voice is strained and your throat tightens. He doesn't look up but you know he's crying, and you've never seen him cry. You've never upset him so much that he has cried, apart from now.

"I'm sorry." You rub a thumb over his hand. "We're still young, you know." You hope that's going to help the situation become less emotional, those tears in your eyes aren't going to dry by themselves.

"Can I...Can I tell you something?" He mumbles after a few moments of silence. You're, again, surprised but still reply without letting yourself stutter.

"Of course, what is it?"

"I will never love anyone as much as I love you." He says as he raises his head to look at you, streaks of tears staining his cheeks. Your heart throbs and you bring him towards you for a hug and his body shakes from his now violent crying. Your eyes water at the fact that he's crying into your chest because of you, your hand finds his hair and you stroke it softly, hoping to soothe him.

You don't want this moment to end, but when he calms down; you pull away and kiss him deeply on the lips, he doesn't kiss back so you stop and place a hand on his cheek. You wanted to say you loved him, but that wouldn't make anything better for either of you.

The moment ends when he coughs and speaks. "You should probably go." He says quietly. You nod and stand from the sofa; Dirk follows you and there's silence as he opens the door for you. You leave as quietly as you came in, and silently get into the car. You're aware Dirk has already closed the front door, but you just can't help staring where Dirk once was.

You have to just move on now.

* * *

**wow okay, it's been a while .m. college has really got me tired out, but i'm sure i'll get used to the whole 3 hour dance classes and 2 hour perfomance classes sooner or later. hopefully my thighs stop burning and my teacher stops making me bend in ways that i wasn't even sure i could bend in. **

**Well anyway, this chapter's short, so next one is coming up in about 5 seconds .w.  
**


	10. Fears are worse than you

"**There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow**

**There's nothing left in this soul left to say." – No Surprise by Daughtry**

* * *

Your mother's driving is becoming reckless and you're not sure how to calm her down. You just told her about your break up with Dirk, her reaction wasn't that of a subtle one you noticed, but it was better than Dirk's. Her face is turned into a disgusted expression and you can see she's trying her hardest to not pull the car over, drag you out by your leg and swing you around like a pyscho. You respect your mother and she has never done that before, but you would be lying if you said you'd never had nightmares about it.

"After all he's been through and you do this!" She yells after quite some time.

"It's for the best; you wouldn't understand." You sound like the most disgusting, heartless person on the earth with your casual voice, but you know you want to just curl up and cry. The guilt is just so extreme in your stomach, it's like it's been nesting there for a few days and now...now it's just exploaded with the offspring.

"I wouldn't understand? What in the hell do you mean by that? I was with your father, Jake, I understand plenty!" She almost ran over a cat, you know she's overly stressed by this. More stressed than you.

"I don't understand what he has to do with any of this. And why are you so angry? This is my relationship, not yours! Just because you made mistakes with father doesn't mean you can involve yourself in my love life." You yell back, her words finally getting to you. You're tired of her involving herself in _your_ life.

It seems like you've won once there's a drowned silence in the car. That is, until your mother speaks again. "It's not me that made the mistakes in my relationship, Jake." She says, in a dead silence.

You halt your reaction to rephrase her words in your head, but you end up turning your head towards her to look at her concentrated look on the road. She doesn't even glance in your direction so you turn towards the window and stare outside for the journey.

Maybe this was all a mistake.

* * *

You're not sure how long you've been sitting on the second stair, but your legs are starting to cramp and your knuckles are pure white from your grip on the banister. You don't care; you don't really care about anything right now, your mind is a whole other kind of fucking numb and you can't understand _why _this is happening.

Just then, your brother walks through the front door where your glare once was. His stare is focused on the living room before he notices you and looks down at you. "Dude, is dad home? You're fuckin' white as shit." He asks dropping his keys into the bowl on the windowsill next to the door. You don't reply, and frankly, you don't feel like replying.

He snaps his fingers in front of your face, snapping you back from your thoughts as you look up at him. "No, he's not."

"'Kay, cool." Dave shrugs and strolls through the archway into the living room. "Yo, hey, you two didn't nasty all over the couch, did you?" He shouts.

_No, we didn't fucking 'nasty' all over the couch, you fucking imbecile._ You think spitefully. Maybe it would be better if you went upstairs, where you can be alone with your thoughts, and only your thoughts.

"What's up, why're you so quiet?" It seems during all that thinking and suggesting, your brother had left the living room, again, to stand in the archway and stare you down.

"It's nothing." You shake your head and stand up, slowly turning around to walk up the stairs. You need to be alone, but you also need to stop thinking about Jake.

"Hey, fuckin' listen to me!" Your brother pulls your arm. You look at him as an answer and he speaks, "I know it ain't nothing; you can talk to me, Dirk." His grip on your arm softens and you feel so guilty for being a shitface to him, but you don't want to talk about it.

"I said," You pull your arm away, "it's nothing." And you make way to your room. You hear your brother shout before you shut your door behind you.

"_How do you expect me to try if you don't let me?" _

You pause in front of your closed door. _Let him? When did I ever let him? That...that fucking asshole is part of my life and I suddenly have to 'let him' try to understand me? _Intense rage pulsates through your blood, _why the fuck does he even care? Why does anyone care? Jake doesn't. That's the reason he ended it; he doesn't care. _

"Nobody cares, Dirk." Somebody else speaks and you listen, "Nobody gives a fuck, because you're Dirk."

You don't want to agree but you have to, you have to nod and smile and pretend like everything is perfectly fine, because everything is perfectly fine. You're fine; you're not upset. "You don't need Jake! You don't need anybody. You have me, and yourself." That voice is so clear. So clear that you chuckle, and nod, and smile, and agree. Because everything is perfectly fine, and you don't need _anybody. _

You don't need Jake.

* * *

When your dad comes home from work, he doesn't even hesitate to check you're in your room rather than out. His head whips around the door without knocking and he's looking at you on your bed with an intense stare.

Something is wrong.

He enters your room and loosens his tie around his kneck before shutting the door, then he begins approaching your computer chair where you're sitting, staring back at him, trying to figure him out. He's tense, god he's fucking tense, and his stare is just...deafening. He sits on your bed and looks around your room before he begins speaking. "Yer know what tomorra is don't you?"

You try to think, letting your eyes wonder around the room. When you can't think of anything, you look back at him in silence and await the answer.

"It's your mam's birthday." His voice is hollow but full of so much emotion that you almost pity him and his sad life.

"So?" You ask, but you know what it means. It's the same thing every year, you three send her a card or you just ignore the occassion as if it's a normal day. (Normal being used lightly.)

"So? It's your mam's birthday for Christ's sake!" He replies, his tone angering. Then he seems to calm down. "We're going to go and see her."

And your blood goes ice cold in your veins. "What?"

"It will be nice. For us all." He says.

"_Nice?_" You almost screech in anger. "How is anything about our family nice?"

He seems taken back by your outburst and blinks in surprise. "Son, calm down. It's been three years, she's probably gotten better."

Yeah, it has been three years. Three years since she fucking lost control of everything in her brain and turned into a starved animal on you. "I'm not going."

Your dad stands and looks down at you, "excuse me?" You stand as well, your chair backing itself away from the situation.

"You fucking heard me." You sneer. A deadly rope of anger tightens in your fists and suddenly, you're standing up to your own dad. He glares daggers into your own glare and brings his arm up to hit you, but you don't back down, your ready for anything he throws at you.

But his fist never comes in contact with your jaw. It doesn't hit you anywhere, he's just holding it up in the air. Suddenly, he lets his arm fall to his side and he shakes his head, "you're coming whether you like it or not." He walks away and realisation hits you after you mutter something at him as he leaves the room.

"_pathetic._"

It's obvious he hears you, but he just shuts the door behind him. You're confused because what the hell just fucking happened to you? You're freaking out before you know it and suddenly your on your knees having a panic attack. You're not scared of your dad any more.

You're scared of yourself.

* * *

**powerful stuff there, huh? **

**non-stop tonight.**


	11. Mistakes

**(author's note at the end)**

* * *

You haven't heard from Dirk since the break up.

You're not surprised, why would he want to speak to you? You practically ripped his heart out from his chest and shoved it in his face, not to mention your mother doesn't want to even look at you. She's already snapped at you a few more times; explaining that 'you're not the only person on this earth who is hurting.' and you can understand that. But what she doesn't seem to grasp is _why _you did what you did.

This whole situation has been a giant mess and it's difficult to come to terms with everything in one sitting; you understand, you were the one who was raped.

That word just brings a shudder over your body and you look down at your hands placed on your lap. Your eyes bring themselves back up to your computer screen to check, but no, Dirk isn't online.

The relationship never died; it was the most live thing you'd ever experienced, but it just got too out of hand. You're still both teenagers stuck in a big, big world. You love him, no doubt about that, but this whole situation...

As Dirk would put it, _'It's a giant dick in the ass.'_

Your mother is standing the doorway as a smile reaches your lips at some memories. She coughs and you realise her presence, so your eyes flicker in her direction before concentrating on your computer screen again. You're so tired of arguing.

"You haven't told me why." She says, her voice deep but soft. Somehow it feels comforting for you because she doesn't sound angry.

"I have. A few hundred times." You reply, irritated now.

"If you did, I would understand." She approaches you and sits on the bed opposite your desk. "I don't want to be the enemy, Jake, I'm your mum. I don't want to pry on your relationship either, but I also don't want you making the mistake your father did."

"And what was that?" She's caught your attention now; you two never speak about your father.

"Walking out before ever giving you a chance." She blinks away the tears and coughs again. "Your father and I had very few arguments; we were stuck together like glue. He always helped me getting to and from work, always made my lunches even if it meant he was going to be late too, but there was always something lacking in the relationship and neither of us knew what it was. I suggested having a baby; he loved the idea. He said he had always wanted a family." Your mother pauses for a short time.

"But when I did announce I was pregnant, he didn't seem as happy as I would have thought. He got more angry with me, we had more arguments and sometimes, he would hit me. It never got so bad that I was submitted into hospital, but while being pregnant and having the stress; it felt like it was killing you. I had to calm things down, so I spoke to him thoroughly about it. That's when things became difficult. He said he never wanted a child, he said he'd hate it for the rest of his life and that he wanted nothing to do with it. He accused me of cheating and all other kinds of silly things and before I knew it, he had his bag packed and he was gone."

You stare at your mother in surprise. That's the most she's ever said about your father and now you can see why. It disgusts you what type of man he was, how he could just treat your mother like that and then leave her. No matter how upset your mother could make you, you could never really leave her, not now. Before you realise what you're doing, you stand up and walk over to your mother, wrapping your arms tightly around her. She's surprised, that's a sure fact, but that doesn't stop her embracing you back, kissing your head and sniffling into your shoulder.

"I love you mother, I will never leave you. I promise." You whisper.

* * *

"Dirk, git your fuckin' lazy ass down these stairs now!" Your dad shouts up at you. Although he's been shouting for twenty minutes now, you're not moving from the spot under your bedcovers.

It's your mom's birthday today and you're paying her a surprised visit. You can't say you're excited and ready for the celebration, in fact, you don't really want to face the world today; you don't want to face the world at all, you just want to lie under your bedcovers until you die slowly and painlessly.

The thumping of feet up the stairs is what takes you from your daze but you don't even shift when your door is almost knocked off the hinges. "Yer still in bed?" Your dad screeches. He storms over to you and rips the covers from your comfortable figure. "Git up. _**NOW.**_" He doesn't mention last night; how you lost it with him.

You have no choice but to sit up and glare at him through tired eyes. He leaves the room with a slam of your door and you drag your ass out of bed. Showering if too much effort for such a small event, and it's not like you're going to impress anyone there. You look at your phone suddenly and pick it up to check for any texts; you only have a few from your brother, telling you to wake up and that your dad is going ape shit downstairs.

You couldn't give a shit; you don't want to get up today. But nethertheless, you walk over to your wardrobe and hunt through it for something to wear. As you're feeling through your shirts, you come across a dark green one. It's a nice dark green, with a black data pattern on the sleeves, which leads down to the front of the shirt which reads

_'one is nothing but a fragment;_

_a piece of broken data.'_

It was the shirt that Jake had gotten you for your 16th birthday. You don't even need to re-think before you put it over your head and pull it over your body, as you look down at it, you realise just how well it suits you; Jake always had a good eye for clothing.

You think no more about him as you pull on some random pair of jeans and pry through your room to find a belt. It's not long before you're finally ready to leave with your 'family'. No doubt it will be 'pick on the youngest' in the car today; your brother only joining in so he doesn't get a smack for being a caring sibling.

* * *

Your mother is understanding as you explain why you broke up with Dirk, but she still admits her thoughts that you made a mistake. She says you should have spoken him through it all first before going to the extreme, but you explain that you didn't want it to get worse for him, in case you and him got caught together.

"Jake, you know I would protect you no matter what, the same with Dirk. His father will not lay another finger on him, you hear me?" She says. "You love him, sweetheart. I don't want to see you hurt because of a mistake."

She's right. She is so right.

You can't believe how amazing your mother is sometimes, you're proud to have such a strong woman as your mother. "I'm going to visit his father and give him a little lesson on parenting."

"But what if that makes it worse?" You ask as she stands up from your bed.

"I will make sure it doesn't." Her words are a promise and you smile slightly; you do love your mother. You want to see Dirk and tell him you made a mistake, even though you doubt it will be fixed just like that, it's still something you can't wait to do.

You can't wait to embrace him, kiss him deeply and tell him you love him so much, that you would never want to hurt him like you have done. But this time, you would promise him.

* * *

**SOOOO, college is a pain in the ass along with every other little distraction that pops along .o. I am trying to finish as many chapters as I can; expo is this weekend and I am going for all three days so that's three days I'll be behind on my fanfictions ;A; **

**If you're going along to the London Expo, I will be at the Homestuck meets so you can find me ;w; it'll be nice to speak to you guys, I HARDLY KNOW YOU AND IT HURTS. **

**But yes, anyway, I will try to get all my ideas written down so I don't forget them. If you do probably find me at expo, I won't put it past you if you want kick me in the boob for late updates ;w; from friday to saturday: nyan cat, ms. paint and lil cal in a suit .w. or just call out my username.**

**Goodbye my lovelys and I will see you soon! **


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